Zoo day and feelings

So yesterday was the Elkhart Brass Family Picnic at the Zoo and I loved it. Athena did well. Not to many break downs from Athena. She got tired of course it was way past her nap time. The only thing that I hated to watch is how different Athena was compared to the other children. I did however see another special needs girl. I loved watching her go up with her daddy and push his butt. Then I look at my daughter that has no clue what is going on around her to the point she took something from someone else. All Athena saw was the fan and not the person holding it or playing with it. I have seen the look on her face. When you finally get to her and tell her no and not to do that someone else is playing with it. It is like you finally broke her world and she gives you the look of when the hell did you get here. The zoo of course was a bust she sees nothing but the fish and not even the kory it is the carp or bass by the lions that you can feed. Athena loves to watch the fish jump and panic over the food. And she likes to touch the food herself. We did watch the otters until she got scared. The only time Athena did have a few issue of course when another baby started to cry. This seems to be normal now. Every time something or someone is in pain Athena is right along with them. As I watch Athena at these functions family or groups I realize how more and more I just do them for me. Athena gets very little enjoyment out of them and it is sometimes to much for her. I wonder when or if this will ever change. My daughters birthday is in three months and I was going to try and do a party but is it really or me or her. I’m beginning to feel like I do more things for me  to feel like a normal mom with a normal child that will play with others, eat the food, and eat the cake. Which none of these things Athena does. I feel so out of place at times I want to find a place where Athena and I belong. Well this was a lot in one but it was what I was feeling at this excite moment I think I need to get it out.