Zoo day and feelings

So yesterday was the Elkhart Brass Family Picnic at the Zoo and I loved it. Athena did well. Not to many break downs from Athena. She got tired of course it was way past her nap time. The only thing that I hated to watch is how different Athena was compared to the other children. I did however see another special needs girl. I loved watching her go up with her daddy and push his butt. Then I look at my daughter that has no clue what is going on around her to the point she took something from someone else. All Athena saw was the fan and not the person holding it or playing with it. I have seen the look on her face. When you finally get to her and tell her no and not to do that someone else is playing with it. It is like you finally broke her world and she gives you the look of when the hell did you get here. The zoo of course was a bust she sees nothing but the fish and not even the kory it is the carp or bass by the lions that you can feed. Athena loves to watch the fish jump and panic over the food. And she likes to touch the food herself. We did watch the otters until she got scared. The only time Athena did have a few issue of course when another baby started to cry. This seems to be normal now. Every time something or someone is in pain Athena is right along with them. As I watch Athena at these functions family or groups I realize how more and more I just do them for me. Athena gets very little enjoyment out of them and it is sometimes to much for her. I wonder when or if this will ever change. My daughters birthday is in three months and I was going to try and do a party but is it really or me or her. I’m beginning to feel like I do more things for me  to feel like a normal mom with a normal child that will play with others, eat the food, and eat the cake. Which none of these things Athena does. I feel so out of place at times I want to find a place where Athena and I belong. Well this was a lot in one but it was what I was feeling at this excite moment I think I need to get it out.

Sleeping vent

My rant and vent for the night. Okay first I must scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH okay I feel better. Now lets start the story from the beginning working my way to why I am up and midnight and upset. When my daughter was first born it wasn't a happy birth after 1-2 hours of pushing to deciding it was time to get her out by c section. So in my eyes a little traumatizing, right. Then when I tried to breastfeed she did well for the first day but but the second not so well and the nurses was forced feeding her to me to the point that she was now pushing away. I finally started to give her a bottle. But then she started to start screaming in her sleep. She was a sleep, not hungry, and not wet. Everything in my mind pointed to her first night tare. Doc say that can't happen and if it did then it is neurological. Then comes the formula ups and downs, She would be gassy all the time and waking up in the middle of the night screaming but yet still asleep. So that was the beginning.
Then has she got a little older. The night times would become a problem at times. I would get know sleep for weeks. She would stand straight up in her bed screaming in tare for hours, eyes closed, and completely out. It was always weired to watch also scary. We notice that is got worse on bad days where are schedule was just off or when we had to much fun.
Now we are getting close to the end I promise. A few months ago I started to notice that Athena was having these night tares along with air bubbles is what I'm calling. A few times when she be screaming in her sleep it sounds like she is tiring to burp, fart, or puke. I few times she has puked which then she normally wakes up. But the others if she is able to pass it she calms down.
Okay now we went to the GI doc and they gave me something for reflex and she was doing so well and then she got sick and my main thing is tyring to get pain reliever down her and scream whatever just keep the fever under control. Well she didn't have the reflex today. Now about almost 2 hours after falling asleep she woke screaming and I heard that sound I knew what it meant. I picked her up and sure enough tummy and chest feel air filled. It is tight and she is push both ways. Trying to calm her down I'm pretty sure she might have been awake I'm not sure but when I put her back to bed she was out. Okay my stupid for not giving her the meds but first don't tell me that she can't have night tares at an early age. Don't tell me she doesn't need to be checked out for any type of sleep study because you don't think she needs it. You are not the one getting no sleep because your not sure what is going on in your daughters body.
I'm sorry that this is so long and there might be a few things wrong with it but I am just so tired of it all. I just want and happy baby that can get good sleep. Thank you all for reading.